Friday, January 29, 2010
I am near my cycle and figured, that's it. I didn't want to believe it. I normally will be around where Matt can see me but this time I stayed in the restroom and cried quietly. Of course, Matt came to checked on me since he didn't see me anywhere for a couple of minutes. I was fine a few minutes ago as he was helping me connect my fax to my laptop. Then all of a sudden... I'm crying in the bathroom. Right away, he asked "Sweetie, what's wrong??" I couldn't see his facial expressions as I took off my glasses wiping away tears. I told him what happened. He said something like "awww..." while wrapping his arms around me. At that moment, that is just what I needed... a hug. Matt knew better to just let me cry but just when I mustered up to compose myself, he asked "Do you really want to have a baby that bad?" Silence. Tears running down. What can I say at the moment while I was thinking what if I'll never be able have children? How do I answer him?? (It's only negative thoughts.) After a few minutes passed by, I said in a chokingly voice and questioned him, "What if I can't have any... then what?" (being pessimistic) He squeezed me harder. I can see that he's figuring out what to say. Then he said, "We can always adopt... maybe even steal one (jokingly)" I know he was trying to cheer me up, but instead I cried even more. You see, just when everyone asked me if I was going to have a baby or whatever. The truth, it's all in God's timing. This is the first time I've been emotional about trying to start a family. No one ever told me it's going to be emotional. Heh. You know if all fails...I still seek Him, regardless. I don't know what God's plans are for us. I just know He knows what is best. I am still human, so I express myself accordingly.