Sunday, January 31, 2010
Just a few minutes ago, I emailed my mom, aunt and mother in law... to let them know I MIGHT be pregnant. I don't know what I am doing! I wanted to include them today for some obvious reasons. Perhaps because it allow them to pray for me or get anxious with me. It is hard not tell them anything! I just had to email them. I know I am jumping into conclusions and may end up being disappointment or perhaps not but at least I am sharing what I think MIGHT be true! I don't know what I feel that way but I do! I don't even have facts yet. Although, at times I feel a little funny but it's minor. BUT I am still hopeful and will see what next week brings. I may be trying the home pregnancy test sometimes next week. Only if I know for sure that I have skipped my monthly cycle. Here's to my continuous wishful thinking. May my God be in control!
Friday, January 29, 2010
I am near my cycle and figured, that's it. I didn't want to believe it. I normally will be around where Matt can see me but this time I stayed in the restroom and cried quietly. Of course, Matt came to checked on me since he didn't see me anywhere for a couple of minutes. I was fine a few minutes ago as he was helping me connect my fax to my laptop. Then all of a sudden... I'm crying in the bathroom. Right away, he asked "Sweetie, what's wrong??" I couldn't see his facial expressions as I took off my glasses wiping away tears. I told him what happened. He said something like "awww..." while wrapping his arms around me. At that moment, that is just what I needed... a hug. Matt knew better to just let me cry but just when I mustered up to compose myself, he asked "Do you really want to have a baby that bad?" Silence. Tears running down. What can I say at the moment while I was thinking what if I'll never be able have children? How do I answer him?? (It's only negative thoughts.) After a few minutes passed by, I said in a chokingly voice and questioned him, "What if I can't have any... then what?" (being pessimistic) He squeezed me harder. I can see that he's figuring out what to say. Then he said, "We can always adopt... maybe even steal one (jokingly)" I know he was trying to cheer me up, but instead I cried even more. You see, just when everyone asked me if I was going to have a baby or whatever. The truth, it's all in God's timing. This is the first time I've been emotional about trying to start a family. No one ever told me it's going to be emotional. Heh. You know if all fails...I still seek Him, regardless. I don't know what God's plans are for us. I just know He knows what is best. I am still human, so I express myself accordingly.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
You wouldn't believe how moody I was today! Say isn't that another pregnancy symptom? I know it is! Then again, my mind continually plays trick. Sure enough, it's wishful thinking. Ever little thing sort of bothered me today. I thought I was behaving just fine only to find out that I was tired from staying up until 1am. I had Starbucks coffee last night, I think that is why. You know, I was expecting to noticed some kind of news last month, I found out nothing happened. I can sense the sadness after being so hopeful. I did some pregnancy research and then my mind just drifted away thinking about about all those ladies who can't conceived. I thought about it all. I'm usually like that. It's only been a month and it felt like years! I'm numb. I don't know what to say. Although, it's comforting when Matt said to let it happen as it should. Regardless, I keep doing research? I want to find out any information! What is wrong with me?? Why am I thinking like this? Well, I should just let it happen. The first time didn't work, here's to the second time around. There is a possibility but perhaps not. I should find out soon, next week. I did a little prayer and don't want to sound selfish about anything. God always has the perfect plan! I kind of want to say... at least, I am still in good shape. I don't have to work out or anything... I can still fit in all my clothes. I can sleep in and do whatever I want during my spare time. Maybe that's what I should do. Okay, that's it. I am interested in taking up oil painting. I need to make a phone call and see when I can start oil painting. (couple of minutes has past) Ouch, now I feel my stomach is starting to cramp a little. *sighs*
Here you'll understand why I came up with my blog titled "Wishful Thinking". It all started off when I first assumed I was pregnant. You've got that right! BUT don't take this wrong, I am not pregnant... YET. Because I kept having strange symptoms relating to pregnancy doesn't mean I am pregnant, so I've learned. Although part of me kept assuming I was! Every time my body reacted different, I always tell Matt "I'm pregnant!" Ha. Strange, I know. It's fun to say that even though I am not. Yesterday, I felt another symptom but then again it's been ongoing for what seems like 2 weeks. I kept telling Matt the same thing and ever since then he'd answered saying it's only "wishful thinking". Hmmm, wishful thinking, huh? I begin contemplating on those words: wishful thinking. Of course, I told him my wishful thinking is going to come true! I was determined I was right but then again I wasn't right the first time (about a month ago). This time is different. You just wait and see... it's going to be a "true wishful thinking". I know better that if all fails, then it's in God's timing.